Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Tell Me Something I Don't Know

A peculiar thing about being unemployed is that everyone suddenly starts offering you unsolicited advice. Even your friend Dave, who still works at Starbucks despite having earned his M.A. in French Lit, will knowingly tell you all about how important it is to tailor your resume to each position.

And no matter how deep you get in the job search process, people will continue to give you advice as though a) you're mentally retarded, b) you have been living in a frozen block of ice for 50 years, and c) you just started looking for a job yesterday. After 4 months of looking for a job, I still get advice like, "Have you tried Craigslist?" "You should get a LinkedIn profile." "Are you including a customized cover letter with your resume?" "Make sure to mention your consulting experience on your resume." "Have you looked for a job at McKinsey - I hear they're pretty good."

Oh my God, next you're gonna tell me there's this thing called a "search engine" where you can find information online! Thank you so much, random unsolicited advice givers...without you I would literally be sitting at my Macbook, drooling, pressing "Tab" and waiting for my soda to appear!

I did get one good piece of advice in the last 3 months which I will share with you: once you find 2 or 3 jobs you really want, call the company and try to find out who your boss would be. Then get his fax number from his secretary and fax him your resume. When it comes in, it will hopefully get placed in the middle of his desk (because it's a fax) instead of off to the corner with the other resumes. I haven't tried this yet because I can't think of 2 or 3 jobs badass enough to withstand my awesomeness, but if I try it I'll tell you how it goes.

So if one of your loved ones suffers from AUS, please do them a favor and don't give them bonehead advice like "Make sure to put power words in your resume - like synergy - that's a good one!" Just buy them a beer and try not to rub in the fact that you can afford food and shelter.

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